| don't tell me to fix her... don't tell me to lie... |
[Fri, Jun 11, 2004 @ 2:39pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
that stupid yellowcard song... >. |
] |
::sigh:: i have made a new lj which will be made friends only. to find out what it is, comment and if i feel that it wouldn't matter, i'll add you. if not, it's nothing personal... actually, it is! lol. but a "my own things" personal...
good-bye, for good...
|
|
| fuck a mars! it's all about pluto!! |
[Wed, Jun 9, 2004 @ 7:38pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"tick"- the yeah yeah yeahs |
] |
this will be my last entry in here. good luck trying to find me... i doubt that y'all want to...
well... i talked to juan and rob all of 7th period... god, i'm gonna miss them like crazy next year! i don't think i've ever had such great conversations with virtually new people! they're just so sweet and funny and genuine. i will truely miss them... those passionate, passionate men...
omg! okay... rob, juan, and me are trying to figure out if this local 'rapper' named Mars is real or not. i think he's fake because... god!!! it's so stupid!! you have to find out yourselves! http://madinsanity.com go there and register!!! dude! withine, like, the first 2 minutes of being registered there, we got ourselves kicked up because we posted a comment that OBVIOUSLY didn't swing well with them. (*fuck mars! it's all about pluto!*) haha! they have this whole gangsta galaxy mafia going on... ::laugh::
i cut my hair last night. it's noticable to me but, whatever...
damn i want a cig so badly right now... yeah, kenny, i'm an addict.
like i said, this will be my last post here because, well, some of the people that view my journal entries are hypocrites, two-faced, and just plain fucking FAKE!! and i can't take it. oh don't worry, i'll have a journal and i'll still view y'alls post and what not but as for people finding me... no. not gonna happen. i can't stand this kind of shit. people don't even care about me.
"breakin' my back just to know your name, but heaven ain't close in a place like this"
and for the CERTAIN people... this song's for you ::smile!::
"The Outsider"
Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,
Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires
You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.
Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die
Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence
Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I don't wanna watch you...
Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die
They were right about you
They were right about you
Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, come to this, come to this
Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here
bye guys...
[Lizzy]
::sigh:: i miss kenny... fuck, i hate this. i'm just gonna drop it all together...
"give it up, the damage is done"
|
|
| fuck a man, nigga!!! i can bite my toe! |
[Tue, Jun 8, 2004 @ 6:28pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"falling away with you"- muse/ me arguing with andy's band |
] |
lately i've been really quite, hiding from everyone. maybe it's my hair? no, seriously! if your hair's always in your face, it's a symbol of hiding from the world. i never used to have my hair in my face. but as a matter of fact, i DO infact feel a lot more shyer (if that's even a word) and i'm not really much for talking as of rescent happenings.
as a result of all this lack of communication skills, including with myself, i have resorted to the lowest forms of entertainment... quizes... ::shudders::
| Which internet subculture do I belong to? [CLICK] |
 | You are a FURRY! |
| You are a sick, sick, individual. Stop lusting over animals! Take off that fursuit and quit yiffing. No-one likes furry art! STOP NOW! |
this one is just too true for words, and i am ashamed... wow, the lion king looks kinda hot...
<table border="1" bordercolor="black" cellspacing="0" width="250px">inuvmollyforkie
Look out for the | m
HOLE |
From Go-Quiz.com
i love this label!
| I | Irresistible | | N | Neat | | U | Useful | | V | Virile | | M | Mysterious | | O | Orderly | | L | Luscious | | L | Lively | | Y | Yum | | F | Funky | | O | Organic | | R | Realistic | | K | Kinky | | I | Intense | | E | Entertaining |
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
that's cute!
| | More Quizzes at Go-Quiz.com |
</td></tr></table>
aside from all of those i looked up some lyrics by the muse (muse, the muse, whatever you wanna call them)... corey (my finace, according to my crazy ass buds in p.e.) got me their new cd, "absolution", as a *late* birthday present! i love you, princess corey!! i love that man! and his crazy ass, Ramones-styled hair! Xp anyways, i wrote them down in my REAL journal and i thought of kenny. yeah, i'm still hung up on THAT. it's a dumb situation, really. i'll get over eventually, i'm just doing stupid immature things to "speed up" the healing process... i'm just fooling myself is more like it. matt knows what i'm talking about. speaking of the little black emo kid, he's gonna pay for my subscription to Spin Magazine as a brithday gift! omg! the yeah yeah yeahs are on the cover and ::bites fist:: nick zinner is SO FUCKING HOT!!! dah! i am SO gonna see them on friday! i have nothing else really to say... hmmm... i think i'm gonna go find that bottle of vodka... why the hell am i drinking?
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck it!
and here is where i part and leave behind these lyrics by the muse so you can ponder your asses off about who i'm talking about... it's really fucking obvious and, like we learned in creative writing yesterday, "cliche"....
*time is running*
I think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break the spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
you will be
the death of me
yeah, you will be
the death of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out
I wanted freedom
but I'm restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted
now that you know I'm trapped
sense of elation
you'll never dream of breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this
you will suck the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
and our time is running out
you can't push it underground
we can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?
i'm a loser, aren't i???
|
|
| "i can't make easy mac"- me;"what?! you're retarded if you can't make easy mac!"- sal |
[Mon, Jun 7, 2004 @ 7:27pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"You Always Say Goodnight, Goodnight"- the juliana theory |
] |
::sigh:: blah... some lyrics that remind me of somebody... some boy... i'm a loser...
*Maps*
Pack up
im straight
im not
im say say say...
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Made off
don't stray
well my kinds your kind i'll stay the same
Pack up
don't stray
oh say say say...
Wait they don't love you like i love you
*Ghost*
Lately I've been thinking Lately I've been dreaming with you I'm so resistant to this type of thinking Oh, now it's shining through I was alone for the last time Before my night's vacation with you Alive from the first Now I'm denied by the ghost of you You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please I know there's little use in crying It's more wide awake and dying then I'm used to I thought we'd walk these streets together Now I'm hoping that I'll never have to meet you Step aside from all this anger And somewhere in between I can feel you Ask me should we try again I'm thinking no Y'know, it's not what I believe in It's not what I believe in You take yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please No I, wanna taste you, love No I...no I No I, just wanna taste you, love Standing in your shoes I turn and now You're standing bare in my doorway I only wish that I had been prepared I'm gonna have to go along with your way Just take the plastic camera out It's the pants you borrowed in the driveway Alive from the first Now I'm denied by the ghost of you Make yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please You make yourself a photograph and laugh at me Please No I, wanna taste of love No I... I was alive from the first Now I'm denied by the ghost of you
*Don't Push Love Away*
Here's a thought, if you're willing to listen. I only tell the truth of the feelings I'm given. Can you hear me now? Listen. Whispers in the rain. Listen. Don't push love away, you know you do. It's all we have. It's a chore holding onto a vision. Don't leave her high and dry. She's the one you'll be missing. Can you hear me now? Listen. Whispers in the rain, while you're awake. Don't push love away, you know you do. It's all we have. I hate to think hesitation's a burden. A bittersweet design for a lesson i'm learning. Can you here me now. Listen.Whispers in the rain while you're awake.Don't push Love away you know you do. It's all We have. She's crying. She's cying. She's crying. She's crying. Can you feel me now this time? Whispers in the rain, lying awake. Don't push love away, you know you do. It's all You have. Can you hear me now. Listen. Whispers in the rain while you're awake. Don't push love away you know you do. it's all we have.Here's a thought, if you're willing to listen.
*Is Patience Still Waiting?*
Will there ever be time enough? Or are we just too naive? I haven't just given up. Oh God, I still believe. Is patience still waiting? Will I wait on my knees too? Are you laughing at us today? And is this just one big game? Now cash me in while you can. We never were the same. Come on. Will you ever have all you want? And are we just next in line? Don't throw out your one good chance. You only have this time.
*You Always Say Goodnight, Goodnight*
Did you really think that it was over when you hung up the phone
and said goodnight? And did you ever think that it would be
too much? I can't leave without saying goodbye. So did you really
think that you could take it? Could you make it alone tonight?
I never could have hoped for anything more. Be my angel if you
can, alright. You always say goodnight, and you always say goodnight.
So baby did you sleep an hour for me? How I wish I was there
right now. I wasn't going to tell you I could change things.
I'm afraid I never will know how. But I don't really think that
I can take it. Will I make it alone somehow? So hold me in your
arms before I leave you. I'll be back as soon as time allows.
You always say goodnight, and you always say goodnight. Goodnight.
yeah... goodnight.
[Loser]
|
|
| sitting next to rob... the SEXIEST man on the planet!... where's juan??? |
[Mon, Jun 7, 2004 @ 4:22pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rob's new KISS cd! not really but that would be so cliche! |
] |
so, rob just admitted that he is an extremely butt-hurt person and has confirmed juan and my accousations that he truely is a butt-rock type of guy ((he used mrs. wudel's computer to look up the top 20 most metal moments!)). juan's always right. maybe he is god... O.o
::sigh:: rob keeps reading this and it's uncomfortable... i think he just misses juan. he's like a tumor on his ass when he's here. just kidding rob!!! sorta...
i still don't know why annalise hates me... angelica told me that she keeps telling her to "talk to me". i'm aloof. i don't understand what it is. like, people expect me to be mad at her or something but i just don't know WHY she's avoiding me... why would i hate her for having opinions about me? i miss her a lot. corey and me are gonna go to BFD on friday and i'm more than excited, i just wish annalise was going with me instead...
i wanted to talk to kenny today but i didn't really know what to say. i don't think he has any interest in me anymore. i wanted to talk to him this morning but, alas, i was hungover (or still drunk) from this morning and i don't think i would've made much sence anyway. i'm a dork. i just give up on men and everyone. no one seems to like me. i mean, people will be fond of me and i'll have acquantances but i'll never have the real friends normal people have. maybe i'm just too scared and push people away? i'm gonna be a hermit, just watch... i'll live in a forest, too! nah, i won't do THAT but i'll be alone for hte most part. i'm not coming to school tomarrow... i need to think about things and people and life...
|
|
| could i BE anymore stupid...???? |
[Sun, Jun 6, 2004 @ 6:57pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"spitting games"- snow patrol |
] |
this is my FIFTH time trying to update!!! my computer is possessed...
::sigh:: i wanted to hang out with kenny all weekend but he's been busy. v.v i miss him a lot. i'm not like lisa or anyone else, and i hope he gets that. i'm still waiting. i dunno... last night i was listening to this song by some latin guy and, yeah, the lyrics were in spanish but they totally matched everything i was feeling towards kenny at that moment... i guess i'm still feeling the same: the lyrics went something like "i ask for forgiveness the only way i know how, by opening the arms of my broken heart to you because i'm the same person i was yesterday, and if you want me to wait, i'll always be here waiting my turn, i've already waited so long for you." i hope that made sence... my translation skills are trashy but my mom says i'm about right. anyway, yes, that is how i feel. hmm...
i can't stop playing this song by snow patrol because it reminds me of him...
"i broke into your house last night,
and left a note at your bedside.
i'm far too shy to speak to you at school,
you leave me numb and i'm not sure why.
i find it easier to sit and stare,
then push my limbs to what you right there.
my heart is bursting in your perfect eyes,
as blue as oceans and as pure as skies.
struggle for the words and then give up
my head's with the birds...
a little piece of mind and i know better...
but after the that the floodgates opened up,
and i fell in love with everyone i saw.
please take your time, i'm not in any rush,
and it's in everything i ever write."
i know it's dorky... it's really how i feel. i cried last night while listening to it because it's so true. i'll wait forever for him even if he said not to. i don't do it intentionally i just know there's something there worth looking forward to, you know? i hope that made sence but as mrs. wurst says, "it made sence in my head and that's all you need to know." i love mrs. wurst!
kenny, kenny, kenny... blah! >.< i sound like a stalker! haha... 'hey are your legs tired? because you've been running through my mind all day.' ::laugh:: no, really! are they?? j/k. god, i'm a loser, no wonder no one likes me- i'm obsessive, compulsive (yes i do have OCD but that's besides the point.), narcotic, useless, lazy, ugly, and vengeful. i really do dislike myself. no wonder i'm alone at home writing in this stupid thing.
i hate how people read others' lj just to see if they wrote anything about them or just to keep up with common knowledge of gossip. ha, yeah, i actually know people that do that. i've probably done it before but, trust me, i close to never read other's journals unless they tell me to and if i'm just THAT bored to, i skim through it to see if it's something really personal, you know? i'm a loser. forget it.
sal, where is your tamale loving, tortilla-eating ass when i need you?!?! >.< V.V
i want to see kenny... V.V
|
|
| what a day... more like "week"... |
[Sat, Jun 5, 2004 @ 11:14pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"maps"- the yeah yeah yeahs |
] |
i just got back home from watching "harry potter and the prisoner of askaban" (sp???). it was so great!!! i went with matt, timmy, matt's bro and sis, and we met up with andy's friend, chelsea. the movie was so great!! i don't want to give anything away but i'll leave you with this:
I AM GOING TO MARRY DRACO MALFOY IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
GO SEE THIS MOVIE, MUHFHUCKAS!
the only crappy thing about the movie ((not about the movie itself)) was that i kept losing track of what was going on because i was thinking of kenny...
nevermind...
|
|
| and we'll all float on... |
[Thu, Jun 3, 2004 @ 6:28pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
afi |
] |
today was better... i started lexatrol (???) today and it made me feel different. i miss zoloft. v.v i feel bad for leaving behind my bouncy zoloft friend behind ((the ball in the commercial)). whenever i saw the commercial i would cry because i knew how that little ball felt and at the end, i'd get so happy when it bounced away with a smile; it was like watching a movie!! ::laugh:: i went to go see dr. zapata... now he just smells like moldy water!
last night i made kenny upset. i stayed up until 4 a.m. before actually trying to go to bed; i kept thinking about what i did to make him feel so bad, even though he said he wasn't upset with me but the "situation". i know he cares but i'm really scared and i don't want him to be dragged into this although i don't want him to leave either. i'm confused. i know that i'm being different around him, that i'm not being myself... is it for the best? i don't even think i know who i am without my friends anymore. i just feel... [empty]. i know that sounds dorky but that's how i feel. i used to always hide from people that i haven't known for a long time, and i guess i'm doing that even more so with kenny because he's hella more out going than me, but i'm trying to break away from that shell. i don't want to hide my feelings anymore and i'm trying to stop having these social anxiety attacks where i'm on the brink of passing out or throwing up just becuse i have to approach someone to talk. to anyone close to me: i'm sorry for being so distant... trust me, i can't even consintrate on my own thoughts right now. and it might seem that i'm mad at some of you or something because i'm a bit more reserved and what-not but it's almost as if i've been trapped in my own little world lately. it get s better...
the one thing that really made my day was in 7th period when i went up to juan and rob and listened to them talk about, well, anything! i think juan's such a cool guy and i wish i got to know him better earlier in the year. i love hearing him talk! he makes me laugh all the time but he's smart about his humor. most of the things he says aren't (for the most part) redundant and they stick with you for a long while. he seems like the kind of person i could really have a friendship with. like i said, he's hella cool. at least i got to know him through my creative writing class, eh? i never would've thought you could make child-prostitution fit a childeren's story format. juan can do it all!
mMmMmMm... i wish i had some of kenny's kisses right mne-ah! i miss him... :(
|
|
| a very happy un-birthday to me... i think i meant ' a very un-happy birthday...' |
[Wed, Jun 2, 2004 @ 7:01pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely hearted... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nirvana "come as you are" |
] |
sweet sixteen, huh? anything BUT that...
what can i say? i'm thrilled.
i'm fake. i'm a liar. i'm like everyone else.
i'm anything you want me to be.
i'm flawed. i know this.
i ate gum off the floor.
my birthday was horrible. i don't want to hate myself anymore. the only reason i went to school yesterday was to see my friend. my best friend. yes, i said it: i thought she was my best friend. and now i feel stupid and i can't help but wonder if she did this on purpose? did i become friends with her just so i could be proved right??? I AM NOT THE FUCKING PRINCESS!!! i don't get everything i want! i don't HAVE everything!! i don't want to be thought of as "the princess" anymore. i didn't have the "sixteen candles" birthday that i always dreamed of! the way i could've had that was with the one person that i thought would never let me down in life. and she did. i mean, fucking MARIA CAME UP TO ME TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! of all people!! (i didn't mean that in a mean way) fuck, even ROYCE(!!!!!!) said happy birthday without me coming up to her!! people that i don't even know sang that damned song to me! all the while the person that i cared about, the one who's "happy birthday" mantra was WORTH hearing and getting up for, didn't even show her face to me. it was not a fucking story book ending. i got a guy... so what? what the hell does that say about me? no offence to kenny, but my birthday would have been better if it was just me and my friends... all of them. most people FUCKING FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY!! wait... i think this is 'sixteen candles'.... that pun was not intended... but everyone's all like "oh, it was like the movie!! you got 'the guy'!!" no, it's not like that; i imagined my sweet sixteenth with pink flowers everywhere, friends i love all around, sitting around watching the birthday movie, without a care in the world, AND IF JEBUS WANTED(!!!) i'd get 'the guy'. i'm not making sence anymore. i lack these friendship skills. i end up with my heart on the ground all over again. i don't want worthless people around me anymore. if you even have the SLIGHTEST thought that this friendship will end, i don't want a part of it. god, i didn't even wanna go to school today but i just went to make kenny happy. god, that probably came out bad, too. i don't want to drag him into my bullshit. please, let me save myself this one time...
they say they're the outsiders.
they're just the traffic jams.
i'm not like that Cady chick in "mean girls". kristina is not the fat gay guy. annalise is NOT janice ian. they give ourselves too much credit. i'm tired of living this movie life. it's bad enough that i see these things happening all the time but we are our own characters- we MADE those other characters!! kristina's not the drunk girl from "can't hardly wait"; annalise isn't Lauren Ambrose. Nicolette is NOT the criminal; kristina is NOT the brain; i am NOT the princess; annalise is certainly NOT the basketcase. we're all doomed. i am SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!!! my fairy book ending is not gonna come at the end of the fucking school year! it's not gonna happen at some prom or a birthday or some alcohol-infested party where some loser-home-town band doesn't even play! my ending is far away from all this crap and it won't involve these people. it's not supposed to end i with me crying in bed while the credits roll! for the most part i am glad this school year is over. i am. i can't hardly wait!!! shit, i am a fucking walking movie... who's got a jawbreaker?
i just want true friends. why won't people open up to one another? if it makes me less of a person by having a boyfriend then maybe i won't have one. i am at the mercy of the crowd. i am your puppet. my own voodoo doll... with pins sticking further in...
"some people are too touchy" -Rizo
|
|
| haahaahaahaa!!! so true... i am so ashamed! |
[Thu, May 27, 2004 @ 6:44pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Michael's sweet-NON-ANNOYING voice |
] |
You hate white people, and for good reason. Those
imperialist scum bags caused two world wars.
Its a shame they are still in control.
Which race do you secretly hate?
brought to you by Quizilla
I AM 88% EMO!  Holy gee whilikers... I am as emo as it gets... I will try to cheer the heck up and stop wiping my nose on my sweater... |
okay, kristina and annalise can stop teasing me now....
I AM 44% ASSHOLE/BITCH!  I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me. |
I AM 48% EVIL GENIUS!  I want to be evil. I do evil things. But given the opportunity, and a darn good reason I may turn to the good side. Besides I am probably a miserable evil genius. |
I AM 69% HIPPIE!  I am not a child of the 60’s but my heart is true to the cause, man. I realize that being a hippie is not just bell bottoms and tie-dye. It is also about the drugs and smelling bad, too! |
I AM 44% INTERNET ADDICT!  I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck! |
I AM 27% GEEK!  You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing. |
haha! Score!! I know the difference between a nerd, geek, loser, and a jerk… I am DEFINATLEY NOT a geek!
I AM 64% GOTH!  Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself. |
dahahahaha!! Where’s my fishnet shirt??? Dahahaha! That’s hilarious!
I AM 82% SKA!  Pick it up, I skank! I am one full-fledged crazy Rudie, I am going to go celebrate my victory with some skankin'! |
I wanna die laughing!!!
I AM 69% GRUNGE!  I am pretty dirty, all right and, I reek of teen spirit... I would sell my own children for a moldy hotpocket, man. |
hahaha!! Eddie vedder called… he wants his shirt back!!
I AM 65% TORTURED ARTIST!  Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world. |
I AM 64% PUNK ROCK!  The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about? |
::still laughing!!:: phew!! i am so ti-erd! mo mo' quizes for me... i made myself look more loser-y than ever!!
[Lizzy]
|
|
| gah!! gotta make this quick! |
[Thu, May 27, 2004 @ 5:43pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"when love and death embrace" -HIM |
] |
okay... so i've descided that my computer is possessed and it keeps shutting down like every five minutes so i have to make this fast...
count down to mi birthday is now five days. i'm not that excited even though i appear to be. i'm hella scared. i went to talk to ms. sheldon yesterday for an hour and a half, which made me feel better but, i still have unsettling OCD attacks. she understood me and made me feel so much better; we made a date the day after my birthday to see if i was still alive and not wanting to kill anybody. she gets it...
wheee!!! kenny gave me one of my birthday presents early, yesterday!! he burned me all of the HIM cd's that i didn;t have!! yeah, SUCKAS!! i'm so happy with them you wouldn't believe! thank you, kenny!!!
kenny and i have become really good friends recently which is cool and all but i wish it could've happened sooner as apposed to the end of the fucking year, you know? he's such a sweet guy! i love talking to him... we have so much in common, it's weird! i dunno... it reminded me of mi old 8th grade friends. i'm happy for that...
yesterday was nelson and maria's 1-year anniversary... i'm glad they made it because they belong together and deserve eachother... i raise my glass to them.
annalise wasn't here today. i was worried and called but phil answered and yeah... he lied to me and i called kristina to see what's up. i dunno, i feel as if this is all my fault. i want annalise to be happy especially at home because, you know, she lives there. and if that means that i can't be friends with her then, well, i guess i shouldn't tlak to her anymore. this is ALL bad...
wow! paul's birthday is, like, the day BEFORE mine! that's pretty rad!
hilary's mad at me because i've talked to steve since their little "arguement". i don't get it. one minute she hates him and then the next she misses him. what i really don't get is why she's forbidding me to talk to him?? i mean, it's not like i talk to him everyday or something, i just think he's a really nice guy. why shouldn't i be able to tlak to him? just because they had a disagreement? i think that's dumb but i don't want her to be mad at me so i guess i'll do what she says. i hate being a push-over especially since both of them are my friends. yes, i consider steve a friend. we might not hang out a lot but we talk and he's nice to me and he makes me laugh. pssh! i just realized it doesn't take much to be my friend... i'm super lame.
ok, fuck it. i hate how people are talking about me behind my back as if i'm not gonna find out. they're hella stupid. if they have something to say might as well say it to my fucking face. i'm a better person than that and i know i'm nicer than most but that doesn't mean people have to be assholes about it or take advantage of it. god, i want to cry and just burry my face in my hands from the rage and embaracment they put me through. they don't deserve my feelings. i don't understand how i could be teased about certain things my WHOLE life and then suddenly come to such a fucked up town like antioch (it's not a city, it's a fucking hick TOWN!), where everybody knows your name-so to speak- claim that everyone should not be discriminated against but favor others over certain people just because they're charming and fake. fuck all of them. i know who i am and what i'm about, unlike certain people i know that can change their identities at the drop of a hat, click of a remote, and a change of friends. it's ri-goddamn-diculous! ha, i can't wait to see some of these people out in the real world where no one will like them and they'll know the true meaning of being alone. they deserve it.
later....
::sigh:: i'm so confused if i'm gonna be going to Lynwood this weekend or not. my mom and my step-dad keep saying yes and no on the count of our lack of money. i don't care, i want to go to Lynwood so badly it hurts. i want to see Salvador more than anything else. god, not seeing him in almost a year makes it so hard. i don't know how i feel about him anymore. i care about him but, we're just too far away and different. it's funny because we always saw that as our strength as a couple. i think he's scared of losing me again... it was SOOO hard to say good-bye to him that day... i missed him ever since. i don't even have a picture of him, just his 9th grade ID card... the only real pictures and memories i have of him is sitting in his living room watching "Rockstar", him playing "sweet dreams" for me on his acoustic, and having him call me "corazon" ('heart' or 'love' in spanish). i never had anything like that. ever. nobody will know what we had. he was my first boyfriend after nelson and i know we would still be together today if i was still in Lynwood. god, he even encouraged me to talk to him about nelson! he was so good to me. he knew exactly what i needed.
"i guess you're just what i needed..." -the carrs
gah! i saw mitch today while parker, paul, and i were walking to class... i was hella like "aHH! no! go away!" i really don't like him. he hella says hi to me as if all of our problems are resolved. well, they're not, so he shouldn't even talk to me! he still has my brother's demo cd! he is a genuine canidate on the whole "running away from your problems" thing because he AVOIDS THE HELL OUTTA THEM! i cna't stand that about him. i wanted to share so many things with him but, fuck it, he didn't care. i don't understand how he could have avoided so many problems we had and still managed to lie to myself about even HAVING them. thanks, mitchel kent baker... you have truely opened my eyes and have made me see that even the purest of souls can be assholes and liars.
|
|
| this is what you get.... |
[Mon, May 24, 2004 @ 8:00pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
radiohead "karma police" |
] |
he has a girlfriend... i hate myself...
so now my journy has come to an abrubt stop. nothing would've happened anyways. i can't help but still be mad at myself for not doing anything. not like it would've helped any but, yea...
i want to cry; i feel as if i just carry around these high expectation to disappoint myself. kristina would say that. maybe it's true. ::sigh:: i dunno.
i was thinking about it and i SOOOOO want to kick a LOT of people's asses! i hate so many people and i hate that. i feel as if i were the bad guy in this picture and that that will only lead me down darker paths... like darth vador!! i dunno... i mean, i know what i mean, but, DOES ANYBODY GET?!?! i'm the bad guy that plots against everybody else to make them look better. and i except that now. i'm the bitch. I'M COURTNEY SHANE! "i did it, i killed Liz. i killed the 'teen dream'. deal with it." yea... that's me. i hope everybody gets what they want because they don't deserve it. i want everyone to be happy because they should suffer. ignorance is bliss, what can i say? ignorance doesn't get any more oblivious than DVHS and it's inhabitants...
GOTHicVampirex88: aha
GOTHicVampirex88: Well `ce le vie`
ZombieBaby1318: exactly
ZombieBaby1318: it's "ces't le vie"
GOTHicVampirex88: O
GOTHicVampirex88: **slaps self**
|
|
| i'll try to be as NICE and politically correct as i possibly can (social rant) |
[Fri, May 21, 2004 @ 9:11pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
people are horrible |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"wicked" rancid |
] |
::deep sigh::
god, this whole week has been full of anger and annoyance towards A LOT of people. people who probably wouldn't even expect it and there are probably some (most likely READING this!) that think i'm tlaking about them. well, it's quite the OPPOSITE!
i know i'm about to contradict myself by stating this but I AM SO GLAD THIS YEAR'S ABOUT TO BE OVER!!! i hate everything about so many fucking people; it's not even cool how people are so fucking two-faced and then act like the fucking victim, it's pathetic! why can't they BE WHO THEY ARE?!?! why are there so many hypocrites in the world?? why could people hate a WHOLE social group of people?!?! i don't get it. i can understand not liking (cause "hate" is a very strong word...) someone for a specific reason, but my mind can't wrap around the idea of people not liking someone because of the things they choose to do and like in THEIR lives. and i don't get how people "dress to impress" or annoy or to get attention, it's ridiculous! school is just so divided and people don't even see how their actions affect others' lives. ex: girl likes guy, guy teases girl- doesn't know girl is interested in him. girl tears herself apart thinking that she's a bad person, guy goes on with his life not thinking about the girl, the girl dwells on this for the rest of her life. of course, this fictional girl has major personality flaws, but we all do in our own way, don't we? people need to be more considerate of other's feelings... or maybe that's just me???? i would NEVER be mean to someone because of their background or history or the kind of SHOES they were. i dunno... i know a lot of political people that are real heavy into that whole 'fight the man' stuff and i ADMIRE that because, frankily, i care too i just don't know how my thoughts can change a whole nation, you know? change starts at home, and kids spend more time at school or on the streets than they do at home so, it's basically the same thing. how can someone that says they're all against racism and hates being judged and wants everyone to be equal, look at somebody and not even care to say "hi" to them? it might not be a lot but i know some people that something like that would MAKE their lives so much better. like why teachers, like mrs. doherity, go into these professions; we all know that they have shitty wages but they're not in it for the money, not at all! they do this because, everyone ONCE out of 5 years, they impact somebody, they enrich their minds, you know? fighting your whole life for something like animals or passing some sort of pseudo-new wave bill of rights seems kind of pointless TO ME when you can save someone's life that's right there, right now, and have the chance to do it over and over again until you die or just stop caring. THAT'S what the world needs. there's already a whole fucking population, a whole movement/fad of liberals and neo-liberals, not to mention closet-case liberals, out there who, honestly, don't get anything accomplised in the long run... if that's REALLY one's passion, why not ALSO help out those you know?? try being REAL!! taking pictures of the sun or flowers doesn't mean you love the earth; refusing to eat a hamburger won't save a cow's life; wearing a pin or a shirt with some comical slogan won't cut it either. go to another country and help the starving kids! give money to a nice-looking hobo! heck! give money to a drunk-looking one too because it makes them feel better. why aren't there more people voulunteering to help troubled kids? youth councilors?? why don't people actually CARE about eachother??? i just give up on the human race... i don't understand them...
it's getting late, and i have to work tomarrow, not to mention i have this ucky teeth whitener thing on my teeth (i was bored and curious... shut up!) so i'll go. think about what i said.... no, REALLY... think about it, losers...
[the L word]
|
|
|
[Thu, May 20, 2004 @ 10:53am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
modest mouse "float on" |
] |
i'm really bored. somebody help me!
|
|
| as always... i'm BORED!! |
[Wed, May 19, 2004 @ 6:15pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hole "violet" |
] |
last night sucked SOOO bad!!! kristina invited me to some nachos and since i'm a fat kid like that, i promptly accepted even though i had already eaten ALL of my big ass lunch mommy packed me (wow, that made me hungry, again!) anywho, i SCARFFED down those nachos as if i were being hunted and timed and needless to say, i was throwing up all of last night away since 10 o'clock. acid reflex disease sucks because i LOVE eating cheese but it makes me sick everytime i eat it. dammit! that's like telling a diabetic, "hey, lay off the sugar, would ya?" it just TEMPTS me even more! and to have it in ridiculous proportions!
i'm no longer a recovering insomniac and have fallin back into that visious cycle again. for anywho's NOT an insomniac, that part in "fight club" where edward norton's character is describing his insomnia??? THAT was the closest, if not THE BEST description of it, so you can understand what i'm going through. and for those who thinks it's "cool" not being able to sleep and the fact that they don't like to sleep makes them an insomniac, it really isn't great and you go through so much pain, it's undescribable. plus, it makes you seem THAT much more idiotic by comparison. being an insomniac AND throwing up all night didn't help me and my mom let me stay home until 5th period today, so that was all good. i even got to eat a root beer float for breakfast!
dah-haha! my crush waved to me! without me waving first! god, i'm such a dork but it's the little things in life that make it worth getting up in the morning... even though i sound like a creep...
at lunch i spent it with matt (as usual), hilary (whom i haven't talked to or hung out with in forever! i missed her...), and vanessa. vanessa's such a nice person, i wish i knew her better. she seems like a great friend to have. anyways, yeah, she's having problems with her man, Tex, and i hope everything goes as planned. she's so much better than what she tells me of him and i hope that she can see that instead of waiting around for him to treat her poorly. she deserves it. and HILARY... damn, dude, is the whole free-world against her???? i mean, i know where people are coming from to call her such mean things but i wish they could realize that she's just a human, too, and we all make mistakes. they shouldn't dwell on the shit she says because, quite frankily, she doesn't THINK before (or after/during) she speaks. talk is cheap and her words are a dime-a-dozen. i wish people could know the REAL hilary... the one who doesn't shop-lift, the one who kisses her mom good-bye, the one that cries while listening to Modest Mouse on her friends bed, the one that knows most of the words to "the wedding singer", and hangs out with dorks like me and LIKES ME! she's shy, funny, sweet, and wholesome but nobody even pays attention to that side of her. i don't even thing SHE pays attention to that side of her... even more so to 'fit in' with steve and his friends. she's not a poser, though; she GENUALLY gives people a chance and if she doesn't like you, she'll call you a creep and tell you to go away. simple as that. sometimes i wish i were like hilary just because she has so many friends and because she's beautiful... those are the postive things. sometimes i want to be like her because she lies to people she hates and because she can put on a show for anyone who's willing and stupid enough to watch. she's our courtney love. that's the negative. i love her either way, i just wish she'd show the world her true colors... show HERSELF that, too. if she gave herself a chance to THINK, she'd be the perfect person. she claims that she hates steve and all this crap but i know that deep down, all she wanted to do was fit in with him and his friends to be his girlfriend. she wanted acceptance. she went the WRONG WAY for that one, though... i know right now she's tearing herself to shreads and that's what steve and his friends wanted, so congrats to them. they just missed out on the opportunity to REALLY know a great friend... i didn't say she was smart, though...
|
|
| lalala i am bored... |
[Tue, May 18, 2004 @ 11:21am ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the muse "time is running out" |
] |
i'm working on this boring project on classification. oh well. omg! i talked to my crush! i really did! i finally did it! omg, he was so gorgeous and smart even though annalise and kristina totally disapprove of my 'crush' and his status. it's retarded, i know, but i can't blame them looking out for my best interest. wow... his hands are soft! i couldn't stop smiling ALL day...
so me and annalise are planning to go to BFD june 11th instead of that APC show because 1) too much money, and 2) for only 1 band! i love the strokes and yeah yeah yeahs and so many more that my head is spinning! davey havok's gonna be there too!!!! i am SOOO going!! even if i have to SNEEK my ass over there, i'm going.
i'm working on my new website (www.bad-hair-decade.tripod.com) and will be up shortly, if anyone was interested. if anyone wants to "donate" any pictures or thoughts to it, i'll be more than happy to place your thoughts and/or/ pics up there. i ahve nothing more to say for now and i have the feeling that i'm gonna get in trouble soon (maybe it's just because i have to pee...) so i'm gonna go.
BFD... i can't wait!!!
[the L word]
|
|
| i can't stop laughing!! i think i'm gonna pee my pants! |
[Sat, May 15, 2004 @ 3:26pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i cry, you cry, we cry, 2gethR |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i can't stop laughing... at myself.. |
] |
you're dashboard confessional! emo to the core,
you're not afraid to show your feelings. you're
so emo you make other people cry with stories
of unfaithful partners and hard break-ups.
congrats.
What Emo Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
shut up... you can stop laughing now, kristina!
|
|
| if this was 5th grade i would've cried tears of joy... |
[Sat, May 15, 2004 @ 3:19pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
dorky |
] |
You're Posh Spice. You're pretty shy, and like to
keep to yourself. You're not conservative, but
don't like to show as much skin as Ginger
Spice. You're concerned about your looks, and
thats why you cover some things up. Just like
Posh with her smile. You like makeup, but just
enough so that you can tell you're wearing it,
without piling it on. You like to wear black,
black and dark colours, like black. Aswell as
designer clothes and little dresses.
Which Spice Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
that made me all warm and fuzzy inside!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
inuvmollyforkie's journal
crazy
